Top 5 Untalented Actors

There are lots of bad actors working today. In fact, you could argue more are bad than good. But this list isn’t for them. This list is for the Top 5 untalented, meaning, they lack very little talent. Bad actors can at least punch their way out of a wet paper bag. The following five should just put that wet paper bag over their heads and call it a day. Here’s Brian’s Top 5 untalented actors.

Brian

5. Matthew McConaughey: If you’re looking for an actor to simply speak in a southern accent, be in your movie despite the script sucking donkey balls, and finding any excuse to take his shirt off, Matthew “Duh…” Mcconaughey is your man.  Do yourself a favor and look at his resume.  This guy is an insult to the word “actor” and that’s saying something.

4. Keanu Reeves: You have to hand it to this guy.  He keeps getting job after job while more talented actors fall into obscurity.  How does he do it?  Is it his “whoa” catch phrase?  Is it his amazing ability to sound like a surfer dude even when he’s in 19th century Transylvania?  If you ever want to laugh your fucking ass off at what isn’t supposed to be comedy, rent the Devils Advocate.  Not only does he do the worst southern accent in the history of film but whenever he acts alongside the legendary Al Pacino it’s like watching Michael Jordan compete against a Special Olympian.

3.  Jeff Goldblum: This guy has one acting move.  He stutters and stammers his way through dialogue to make it sound natural when it is anything but.  He also never, ever plays characters.  He plays Jeff Goldblum and he doesn’t even do it very well.  You don’t believe me? OK, I want anyone who’s reading this to explain to me what the difference is between any two Jeff Goldblum characters and how his acting performance is any different film to film.  Yeah, that’s what I thought…….

2.  Orlando Bloom: Ok, this is going to get me death threats from 12-year-old fangirls everywhere but this guy is a horrendous actor.  In “Pirates of the Caribbean,” when he’s sword fighting with Johnny Depp and spewing out that horrible dialogue, I was looking for the nearest barf bag.  He nearly sunk “Kingdom of Heaven” with his awful acting. And in “Troy,” I nearly had a bellyache from laughing so hard every time he spoke.  The only movie he’s even passable in is “Lord of the Rings” where he has almost no dialogue and is given the lone responsibility of standing there looking like an elf.

1.  Will Smith: There has never been a more talentless actor than Will Smith.  It’s not that he’s the worst actor that ever lived.  I’m sure if I gave it any thought, David Caruso or some B-movie actor could be worse.  But, we’re talking about one of the top box office stars in the world and he sucks!!!  We’re not talking sucks a little bit.  We’re talking he sucks every single form of testicle that the biggest whore in the world could fit in her mouth at once.  Yeah, that much!!  He also suffers from “Oprah Syndrome.”  What I mean by that is:

A) He thinks he’s incredibly important to the world and amazing at what he does the way Oprah loves the smell of her own feces.  I mean she actually has a magazine that she puts her own ugly mug on week after week!!  But, I digress.  We were talking about Will Smith..

B) He goes in and out of being black whenever the need suits him just like Oprah.  If Will Smith goes on Larry King, he’s as white as can be and even tries to awkwardly fit in large words that he has no idea how to wield.  But, put him on the BET awards and it’s “Dog” this and “yo” that.  I hate that shit. Be yourself and stop trying to cater to everyone to suit your own ego.  He does this in his films too.  He’s constantly picking the safest possible films ever.  He never ever takes a chance on anything.  Think about it.  What film of his ever put him in a risky situation?  I mean, even Tom Cruise did “Eyes Wide Shut.” But Will Smith?  “Pursuit of Happiness?” “Ali?” “Men in Black?” Who in the fuck are these going to offend?  I could go on forever about how much he sucks but I think you get the idea.


In a word: lame!

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23 responses to “Top 5 Untalented Actors

  1. I kind of disagree with #1 because I don’t really think of Will Smith as an actor but more like “Hey! The Fresh Prince is in a movie!”. That being said, numbers 2-5 are dead on.

  2. Well said. We don’t really consider him an actor either.

  3. That list was so priceless and dead on, Bri. Thank you for your eloquent and colorful jabs at these “actors”. I couldn’t have agreed more.

  4. I disagree with Will Smith, although I definitely see what you mean about him going “in and our of being black.” Obama did that exact same thing during his campaign and it was extremely annoying.

    Matthew McConaughey had one really good performance in “A Time to Kill” but everything he’s done since is lazy garbage.

    The one person I think your list is missing is Gerard Butler. He’s probably my least favorite actor in the world right now. It’s just nauseating listening to him struggle to hide his Scottish accent while failing to induce laughs in awful romantic comedies.

    Your blogroll looks a little small. Want to be friends and do a blogroll exchange?

    • Absolutely! I welcome all additions. I agree with Gerard Butler. Horrible actor. His performance in 300 could have been done by any WWE wrestler. Yell loud and talk about how you’re going to kick someone’s ass. Hulk Hogan did it better. Anyway, there’s 2 names that could have easily made my list but it’s only a top 5. Ashton Kutcher(unfunny, untalanted, and any other un- you can think of) and David Caruso. but, their filmographies are so small that they’re not even worth mentioning.

    • Hey Kevin. We added you to our blog roll. Thanks for reading!

  5. Finally someone thinks Mathew is an asinine actor. but Will? Will? I like Will 🙂

    • Ginger, Ginger, Ginger. If you look yourself in the mirror and say, “Will Smith is a very talented actor,” I’m quite confident you’ll walk away feeling differently.

      Is he a likable guy? Sure. Has he made some OK movies? Perhaps.

      Is he a talented actor? Not a chance.

      Thanks for commenting! We added you to our blog roll.

      Best,
      Matt

  6. thanks! and ditto. Your reviews are priceless Matt/Brian!
    Still on Will’s defence: I’m looking in ‘his’ mirror. WS loves acting like Will Smith and thankfully he is a likeable shammy kinda character..which is alright by me. lol.

    (oops i think i shot myself in the foot. acting like yourself doesn’t need talent).

  7. Will Smith can be as bad an actor as possible, he’s still partly responsible for “He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper.” Which earns him a place in music’s hall of fame and forgives all cinematic sins.

    Not bad for a kid from Philly. I’d watch him over Nicolas “my uncle got me this career” Cage anyday.

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  10. Y’know, I have a soft spot for Keanu and though he’s not overly expressive, he somehow fits a lot of the action/sci-fi roles he’s been given. I guess that might not be constituted as ‘talent’ per se but I don’t think he’s ‘untalented.’

    Absolutely agree w/ your #2 and #5 choices though. Matthew is the adult version of cant-wait-to-take-my-shirt-off Taylor Lautner, who btw should be on this list as well.

    • Will Smith is charismatic, I’ll give him that. I just think he picks really bad movies to be in. Wild Wild West, Men in Black, etc. I thought he was even terrible in Ali.

      I never even liked Fresh Prince. There are a lot better actors out there in comedy, for sure. I think Eddie Murphy is so talented but has wasted his time with terrible movies. The difference between Murphy and Smith is Murphy had a period of genius work. Smith has never done anything good.

  11. No.1 is completley wrong IMO lol Will smith is a awesum actor in movies but not in real life haha

  12. Will Smith is indeed a chickensh@t, From his early days of safe “bubble-gum” rap music, to his craptastic acting today, He is a classic example of a talentless idiot who manages to fall ass backwards into money, kind of like William Hung (She Bang! She Bang!)

    • Humorous column & comments overall, but I feel compelled to address the implicit racism here. What exactly is acting Black? Like Don Lemon? Like Bill Cosby? Idris Elba? Blake Griffin? Teena Marie? Thandie Newton? Condi Rice?Colin Powell? Shane Battier? Casually declaring that there is some defined set of (behaviors? words? mannerisms?) that determines whether a person is White or Black or Jewish or Palestinian or Lesbian is ill-informed & inappropriate.

  13. Semper Fi you are an idiot, Will Smith plays the race/class game it’s obvious one minute he is all gansta and the next minute an uncle tom he is a manipulative and conniving charlatan

  14. You forgot Owen Wilson.. Saul Rubenic….and the list of one dimensional losers goes on and on..randy quaid…jeez no end to ball suckers in Hollywood..! But I agree with u 1000%.. Good call..!

  15. You forgot Owen Wilson.. Saul Rubenic….and the list of one dimensional losers goes on and on..randy quaid…jeez no end to ball suckers in Hollywood..! But I agree with u 1000%.. Good call..! Oh yeah..add Oliver platt..now there is a ball sucker..Michael keeton…. Yep another ball chewer..!

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