5 movies you shouldn’t waste your money on this summer

Brian

How do I know to avoid these films when I haven’t even seen them?  Let’s just call it intuition and personal biases. Away we go:

Apparently they just cast stop making these things.

5. Shrek Forever After: Shrek sucks. AHHHHHHH, it’s so freeing to say that.  So many people seem to like these shitty movies and I just don’t get it.  They’re not funny, the characters are stock, and Mike Myers does yet another stupid Scottish accent.  In fact, I decided to look up how much of his career has depended on that stupid Scottish crap.  Here we go:

A.He had a sketch on SNL called “If it ain’t Scottish, it’s crap.”

B.  So I married an Axe Murderer: He plays his own father and, of course, he’s Scottish.

C.  Shrek

D. Shrek 2

E. Shrek 3

F. Shrek 4

G.  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

H. Austin Powers in Goldmember

Do I really need to keep going?  I know Shawn has recommended this film and while I respect his opinion, I don’t agree with it.  AVOID!

4. The A-Team: Do we all remember how many bad movies there are based on TV shows?  The Beverly Hillbillies, The Avengers, Charlie’s Angels 1 and 2, Wild, Wild West and the Mod Squad — just to name a few.  Why in the hell do they keep making this shit?  It’s because morons keep going to see them.  The greedy suits don’t care what shit they shovel as long as they hear a cha-ching at the box office.  The only way to make these “films” go away is to stop going to them!!

Your typical Twilight fan.

3. The Twilight Saga: Ok, I know I’m not a 14-year-old girl and was told that they’re the target audience for this crap.  I watched the first Twilight film and consider it one of the worst pieces of dog shit I have ever had the displeasure of seeing in my life.  I’ve been told by others that the second one is even worse.  While I find that hard to believe, I have to say avoid even taking your daughter to this.  You’re saving precious brain cells she’ll need for college one day and precious brain cells you’d rather waste on drinking beer.

2. The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: There’s only one thing worse than a movie based on a TV show and that’s a film based on a video game.  I mean, seriously, is Hollywood that devoid of ideas that they have to flip on an Xbox 360 for inspiration?  Not to mention, this film cost $200 million to produce and stars the catcher in Brokeback Mountain.  Yeah, that’s a recipe for success.  I can just see the meeting room at the movie studio going something like this:

Exec 1: “Ok, the 2010 summer season is creeping up and we need a new blockbuster.  What have you got for me?”

Exec 2:  “Well, I was playing my Xbox 360 and a light bulb went off.  How about we do Prince of Persia?”

Exec 1:  “Hmmm, that doesn’t sound bad.   Can we have a damsel in distress?”

Exec 2: “Of course and we’ll slut her up to get the teenage crowd.

Exec 1: “Perfect, perfect, we’ll keep them gazing at her and they’ll forget the script sucks.”

Exec 2:  “Oh, sir, we have no script, we’ll just take elements from the video game and wing it.”

Exec 1: “That sounds perfect.  But, when we green-light this turd and give you a huge budget, we need an enormous crowd so we can make as much money as possible.  I want a PG-13 rating to welcome all age groups, hot women for the teens and a hunky hero for the ladies and the gay crowd.  Then, it’ll be set in the Middle East so that it has an international flavor to pull in that overseas money.   Mmmmm, I can smell the greenbacks now.”

1. Killers: Ashton Kutcher is either the Antichrist or sold his soul to the devil and I’m determined to find out which.  Never has someone so untalented, so unfunny, so utterly impossible to watch ever been given this long a career.  And now, after shitting all over the film and television industry with his “acting”, we are given another brain-dead romantic comedy that should have never seen the light of day.  Who the hell watches his movies?  I have only ever caught them in pieces because seeing an Ashton Kutcher film is much like watching a guy bite the head of a chicken.  It’s no fun for you, it’s no fun for him, and it’s certainly no fun for the chicken.

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14 responses to “5 movies you shouldn’t waste your money on this summer

  1. Hi Brian. such venom….but deserved.
    Ashton Kutcher is daft in real life and on screen. Enough said.
    mindless garbage that Twilight. Poor me, I saw ’em. I didn’t know the Twilight craze was being fueled by teenagers crushing on Edward Cullen.
    Com’ on, Prince of Persia wasn’t that bad. I’m not into games so i had no comparison….lucky me!

  2. Bill Drinkmore

    My only complaint is that this list is too short. In fact, the true list would be too long to document. Most money a film makes is overseas. This might explain why so many hate America. Seriously, the thought that everyone in this country is an Ashton Kutcher vampire would drive me to the insurgents.

  3. Hey Brian..I laughed my ass off with your list. I can’t agree more about these turd bombs.

  4. I have to agree with Killers that just looks so shitty, but Prince of Persia is a nice little pop-corn flick, that is good to watch if you need to kill time.

    • Wouldn’t you watch a good movie if you had time to kill?

      I get the crappy movie one in a while. I do. I have some guilty pleasures, like super hero movies. I’ll check it out on DVD.

  5. Even given my desire to finish out a franchise no matter how bad it is, I couldn’t make myself sit through “Shrek 13,” or whatever number it’s up to now. What a classic example of taking a terrific idea and beating it an inch from death, then reviving it and forcing it to sustain three more films.

    And the only Katherine Heigl film I want to see begins with her getting smashed by an anvil.

    • I will say that I really liked “Knocked Up.” But that’s where it ends with her. Also, I think she’s incredibly gorgeous. She just makes stupid choices. See my review of “The Ugly Truth.” Who would believe her as a self-conscious, low-self esteem having nerd?

  6. Aside from Inception and Scott Pilgrim, what a shitty Summer, huh? Love that demotivational emo poster, too. Eff Twilight.

    • I’m going to check out Toy Story 3, which I really loved. Iron Man 2 was fun, and in a weird way, I want to see the new Predators. I think Robert Rodriguez makes a pretty good horror/action movie.

      But, yea, a pretty flat summer.

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