How do I know to avoid these films when I haven’t even seen them? Let’s just call it intuition and personal biases. Away we go:
5. Shrek Forever After: Shrek sucks. AHHHHHHH, it’s so freeing to say that. So many people seem to like these shitty movies and I just don’t get it. They’re not funny, the characters are stock, and Mike Myers does yet another stupid Scottish accent. In fact, I decided to look up how much of his career has depended on that stupid Scottish crap. Here we go:
A.He had a sketch on SNL called “If it ain’t Scottish, it’s crap.”
B. So I married an Axe Murderer: He plays his own father and, of course, he’s Scottish.
D. Shrek 2
E. Shrek 3
F. Shrek 4
G. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
H. Austin Powers in Goldmember
Do I really need to keep going? I know Shawn has recommended this film and while I respect his opinion, I don’t agree with it. AVOID!
4. The A-Team: Do we all remember how many bad movies there are based on TV shows? The Beverly Hillbillies, The Avengers, Charlie’s Angels 1 and 2, Wild, Wild West and the Mod Squad — just to name a few. Why in the hell do they keep making this shit? It’s because morons keep going to see them. The greedy suits don’t care what shit they shovel as long as they hear a cha-ching at the box office. The only way to make these “films” go away is to stop going to them!!
3. The Twilight Saga: Ok, I know I’m not a 14-year-old girl and was told that they’re the target audience for this crap. I watched the first Twilight film and consider it one of the worst pieces of dog shit I have ever had the displeasure of seeing in my life. I’ve been told by others that the second one is even worse. While I find that hard to believe, I have to say avoid even taking your daughter to this. You’re saving precious brain cells she’ll need for college one day and precious brain cells you’d rather waste on drinking beer.
2. The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: There’s only one thing worse than a movie based on a TV show and that’s a film based on a video game. I mean, seriously, is Hollywood that devoid of ideas that they have to flip on an Xbox 360 for inspiration? Not to mention, this film cost $200 million to produce and stars the catcher in Brokeback Mountain. Yeah, that’s a recipe for success. I can just see the meeting room at the movie studio going something like this:
Exec 1: “Ok, the 2010 summer season is creeping up and we need a new blockbuster. What have you got for me?”
Exec 2: “Well, I was playing my Xbox 360 and a light bulb went off. How about we do Prince of Persia?”
Exec 1: “Hmmm, that doesn’t sound bad. Can we have a damsel in distress?”
Exec 2: “Of course and we’ll slut her up to get the teenage crowd.
Exec 1: “Perfect, perfect, we’ll keep them gazing at her and they’ll forget the script sucks.”
Exec 2: “Oh, sir, we have no script, we’ll just take elements from the video game and wing it.”
Exec 1: “That sounds perfect. But, when we green-light this turd and give you a huge budget, we need an enormous crowd so we can make as much money as possible. I want a PG-13 rating to welcome all age groups, hot women for the teens and a hunky hero for the ladies and the gay crowd. Then, it’ll be set in the Middle East so that it has an international flavor to pull in that overseas money. Mmmmm, I can smell the greenbacks now.”
1. Killers: Ashton Kutcher is either the Antichrist or sold his soul to the devil and I’m determined to find out which. Never has someone so untalented, so unfunny, so utterly impossible to watch ever been given this long a career. And now, after shitting all over the film and television industry with his “acting”, we are given another brain-dead romantic comedy that should have never seen the light of day. Who the hell watches his movies? I have only ever caught them in pieces because seeing an Ashton Kutcher film is much like watching a guy bite the head of a chicken. It’s no fun for you, it’s no fun for him, and it’s certainly no fun for the chicken.