Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone), a grizzly, loose-cannon cop, is on the trail of a dangerous serial killer who calls himself the “Night Slasher” (Brian Thompson). Now, Cobra not only has to catch the bad guy, he also has to protect the one woman (Brigitte Nielsen) who knows the killer’s identity. The body count rises as Cobra takes on an evil cult — and liberally doles out justice — in this fast-paced action-adventure.
Rating: 1 out of 10
You just can’t beat dialogue like this:
Now, for those of you who haven’t thrown up yet, this is but a sample of the amazing conversations that are held during the 90 minute runtime of Cobra that feels like 4 hours. Normally, I love cheesy one liners in action movies. “I’ll be back” put Arnold Schwarzenegger on the map and opened way to perhaps the biggest career in action cinema history. Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and many others have taken their turns in action cinema spitting out one liners and kicking ass. Some of these films are terrible, some are fun, and some have that great camp factor that brings you back for another viewing. Cobra falls into the first category. Right from the opening shot we are treated to bad camerawork, incomprehensible plot progression, and flat and lifeless cardboard characters. That’s the positive part of the film. Once these characters start talking, it goes to another level of horrible. Every conversation is a mess with no logical point at all. The people exist in this film to do one of 4 things: They either are preying, being preyed upon, yelling, or kicking ass. That’s it!! Stallone, who wrote the script, clearly churned this hunk of shit out to make a buck. Don’t give him a cent!