Jaws of Satan

Disguised as a deadly king cobra, Satan slithers into a small town and begins terrorizing Father Tom Farrow (Fritz Weaver), a priest whose family was cursed long ago. With snake-related deaths rising and city officials unresponsive, Farrow must fight Satan himself. In addition to a variety of suspenseful attack scenes, this low-budget horror movie also features a very young Christina Applegate in her big-screen debut.

Rating: 1 out of 10

I really don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m sitting at night with my wife and we’re flipping through the Netflix movies that are available through instant watching. I’m not in the mood for a drama, or a comedy, or sci-fi. Hmmm, horror sounds good. Then I notice legendary Director of Photography Dean Cundey (Halloween, The Thing, Who Framed Roger Rabbit), who worked on a film called “Jaws of Satan.”

I love the movie Jaws and you add Satan and it sounds even more evil and perilous. Well, I could not have been more wrong!! Imagine if you will, you have a film camera and you have no idea what to make a movie about. So, you go to Toys ‘R’ Us and you find a rubber snake and say, “Hey, I could make a horror film where a snake kills people.” You now have exactly the same amount of talent as the people who made “Jaws of Satan.” Where do I start with the shitiness?

Well, how about the phoniest looking snakes ever put on film? Check. How about claiming one of them is Satan? Check. How about tying a priest’s roots back to a druid culture that somehow battled previous snakes? Check. I could go on and on about the horrid special effects where you can see the glass between the guy and the snake. Or, I could explain the scene where a woman goes to bed and a rattlesnake slowly moves toward her. She picks up the phone and dials 911? Nooooope. She calls another character to come help her. We then watch as he runs from his hotel room to her house to save her. Now, I have no clue how close that hotel was to her house. But, if it was 3 blocks let’s say, it would take a hell of a lot longer for him to show up than it would FOR THE SNAKE TO CRAWL TO THE OTHER END OF A BED!!!!! Then, when the guy shows up, he coils the snake up with a rope and shoots it in the head. HAHAHAHA!!!! How the hell does a movie like this get made without someone who has serious brain damage green lighting the financing? I looked up the director, Bob Claver, and found that he had a terrific resume that consisted of Charles in Charge episodes as well as Mork & Mindy. I can’t believe a talent like this has been hidden from me for all these years when I could have been treasuring his genius.

Here’s a corny scene from Jaws of Satan…


2 responses to “Jaws of Satan

  1. Dean Cundey was involved in this mess? What a shame.

  2. Well if we know anything we know cobras hate rapists!

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