The A-Team: A Public Apology

matt

I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to our readers. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.

There’s no way on God’s green Earth that I should have posted my cousin Shawn’s review of “The A-Team.” He was giddy with joy, bubbling with a childlike excitement over this reboot of the 1980s television show about a group of Army Rangers wrongly arrested, but who break out of jail and work as soldiers of fortune — helping the most needy along the way. He posted publicly on facebook that it was far better and more enjoyable than the Academy Award-nominated “Black Swan.” I never should have posted that review, in which he gave it a 7 out of 10.

What can I say? My cousin has crappy taste in movies.

I promised in our podcast that I would watch the A-Team and give my honest opinion of it. Shawn said I had been unfair to the movie, since I lambasted it when it hadn’t even hit theater. I listed it as a movie you shouldn’t waste your money on this summer.

Well, my wife and I sat down to watch this over the weekend, and I have to say, that those are some of the worst 117 minutes I have ever spent in my life. This film embodies everything that is wrong with Hollywood. It’s full of moronic dialogue, hokey plots, action that is simply insulting to your intelligence, wooden acting, and a source material that was recycled from a television show that was never even good to begin with.

The film starts out with Liam Neeson’s character being absolutely pummeled by two hulks that are just throwing haymakers at his face while he’s strapped to a chair. He, of course, has a key hidden in his mouth and escapes — WITHOUT A MARK ON HIS FACE. After he escapes, he just randomly comes across three other Army Rangers on three separate occasions within minutes who come together joyously as The A-Team. Isn’t that special?

Later, the crew gets shot down in a plane and escape in a tank in the sky. Naturally, the tank has some parachutes attached. While falling, they shoot down drones that are firing at them. Obviously, you can’t land a tank — let’s not ask ourselves, then, why it has parachutes — so they fire the cannon with great precision to direct the plummeting tank — now down to one parachute from three — and land it safely in a lake. They then drive out of the lake. Naturally. Somewhere in there is a plot about forfeiting and espionage. It’s not worth getting into.

This film has an i.q. equal to the rating I give it — a big fat 2.

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13 responses to “The A-Team: A Public Apology

  1. Oh, knock it off. 🙂 It’s not even remotely as bad as you’re making it out to be. You’re the hater who’s been hating it since before it came out in theaters. As noted in my original review, it’s exactly as advertised and for that alone it has entertainment value (I thought you liked camp!). It’s pure mindless fun. You were expecting Hamlet? Unless you’ve forgotten (and I don’t know how you could have… you watched the pilot on my couch in May), the show was utter crap and pure foolishness to begin with! I mean, honestly, it’s not like this movie is pretending to be anything it’s not.

    In retrospect even I admitted that I was little more generous than I should have (a solid 6 would have been more appropriate) but as noted by the responses to the review on The Movie Bros., I wasn’t the only one who thought it was entertaining and a lot bigger names than me in the world of reviews rated the thing higher than I did and they all pretty much said what I did. Take a look here at the scores and reviews at Metacritic.

    And you need to make a retraction because I never said it was better than Black Swan. What I’ve said is that Black Swan isn’t nearly as good as you and others have hyped it. I didn’t say it was bad and I certainly wouldn’t claim that The A-Team was better, but yes, the silliness that is the A-Team was far more enjoyable than Black Swan. Sorry, but Black Swan, despite that it is a very good film, is effing depressing. Hell, Yogi Bear was more enjoyable than Black Swan, but it wasn’t better (well… that may have been because I had Princess Hailey with me when I saw it) 🙂

    Also, for the record, in the unedited version of my review (which can be found here), I mentioned that ridiculous flying tank scene as well:

    Other than Biel, the only two major flaws in this film are Liam Neeson’s inability to pull-off an American accent and of course, the ridiculous “flying tank” scene which is oddly reminiscent of the beyond-retarded F-35 jet scene in Live Free or Die Hard and in both cases I recommend fast-forwarding through them or leaving the room and pretending they never happened.

    I don’t want the your readers that your apologizing so profusely to thinking that I didn’t notice how dumb that scene was.

    One more thing: just want to point out that in your zeal to label films like The A-Team a “… film that embodies everything that is wrong with Hollywood,” you need to keep in mind that if it wasn’t for craptastic action films like The A-Team that appeal to the lowest denominator, films like Black Swan would never get produced. So you should be thankful for all the “pew-pew” summer blockbuster nonsense that hits the theaters every May through August. 🙂

  2. As a review that is the funniest thing I have read for a while. Made me giggle like a girl, which is not good in the office!!

    As for A Team…..dare I say it? I actually enjoyed it. I know it is totally far fetched and doesnt hold on to any thing that could be remotely described as reality. But as popcorn fodder, and for a general romp, it works for me.

    I think the whole point of it is to be camp, self deprecating and generally silly. Wasn’t it? I am pretty sure the original TV show was the same.

    There, I said it and it is out there…..:)

    Great review though!!!

    C

  3. Thank you, Custard, for being as sane about this as I am and of course the many respected and professional reviewers such as Entertainment Weekly‘s Owen Gleiberman, Time‘s Richard Corliss, Premiere’s‘s John Devore, Boxoffice Magazine‘s Peter Hammond, Variety‘s Brian Lowry, Rolling Stone‘s Peter Travers, to name a few.

    Roger Ebert didn’t like it but then again, he gave Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith 3.5 stars. Waitaminute, though… it just dawned on me. Matt thinks Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is a good movie as well! Hmmmmm… interesting.

    And don’t feel any shame about liking The A-Team, Custard. You and I aren’t alone in the amateur critic world in liking it. Among users on Metacritic, it’s averaging a 7.4 with 135 positive reviews out of 169 reviews overall.

    So, let’s recap, shall we? Many respected professional critics thought it was good, the vast majority of non-professionals thought it was good and Matt is a big fan of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.

    Maybe it’s not me who has crappy taste in movies after all. 🙂

  4. well sumbitch, I aint seen yet, but I did rent RED, and it smooth

  5. Revenge of the Sith kicked ass. I stand by that statement even though I hated Phantom Menace.

  6. How am I not surprised that a sexist, GOP pig like Shawn would not only like a movie like this, but in his review blame its weak points on a women. This movie was a horrendous flop from the moment the projectionist flipped the on switch until the fade-to-black.

    Matt, I wish you hadn’t posted that picture. Shame on you. That was in poor taste. Now I have a face to go with a terrible name. And what in God’s name are you taking pictures like that for?

    The repression of others, Shawn, is the repression of self.

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