Brian’s Review – “Valhalla Rising”

After years of slavery, Viking warrior One-Eye (Mads Mikkelsen) escapes from his captors and seeks refuge on a Norse ship bound for his homeland. When a storm throws them off course, the crew lands at a mysterious realm inhabited by invisible demons. As the bloodthirsty creatures claim one sailor after another, One-Eye rediscovers his fighting spirit but begins to wonder if they have arrived in Jerusalem or someplace much more sinister.

Brian-

Rating – 3 out 10

This is one of those movies that you wish something would just fucking happen.  I can’t remember feeling as bored as I was watching this film.  There’s no character development, painfully long stretches where there’s no dialogue, and when something does happen it’s usually wrapped around gratuitous gore.  So, your average stretch of storytelling will be:

1.      Main character looks intensely at opposing character.

2.      Each character brandishes either a weapon or a deadly gaze back at the other.

3.      Opposing character attacks main character and gets the absolute shit kicked out of him.

4.      Main character goes back to staring at nothing.

I can only imagine what the script writing session must have been like.  Hmmmm, what do I do next?  Oh yes, I’ve got it!  I’ll have the main character stare at nothing again (This literally happens dozens of times in the film)!

How do you have a protagonist that says nothing and displays no emotion and keep an audience interested?  It’s not clever.  It’s just bad writing!!  I will say the film is well shot and has some interesting visual elements but it isn’t enough to be thought of as any less than a boring dud.

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2 responses to “Brian’s Review – “Valhalla Rising”

  1. Good to see the Movie Bros back in business.This is not writer/director Nicolas Winding Refn’s best work. I didn’t like it much either. He wrote the screenplay for Bronson so he’s certainly a capable storyteller. Although I like how made the cinematic moments stand for themselves in Drive, in Valhalla the less is more approach just came off as both boring and pretentious.

  2. It’s great to be back, Erik, thanks for reading. Based solely on Brian’s review I think I will skip this one. I did enjoy Drive though.

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