Brian’s Review – “Cowboys and Aliens”

Scott Mitchell Rosenberg’s graphic novel series leaps to the screen as amnesiac gunslinger Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) stumbles into the Wild West town of Absolution, where he’s confronted by potent enemy Col. Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) and a terrifying problem: invading aliens. Aided by the lovely Ella (Olivia Wilde), Jake rallies a posse of the townspeople, Dolarhyde’s minions and local Apache warriors to fight off the extraterrestrial threat.

Brian – 2 out of 10
What an expensive mess of a film. How could they have possibly green-lit this script and lure Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and Jon Favreu to work on it? If you’re wondering if the movie is just as disjointed as the title, you’d be right and then some. It literally feels like two different films. Neither have any bit of a fucking story but they’re there. We open with Daniel Craig waking up after an alien abduction and has an alien “friendship bracelet” attached to him. After that, we learn he’s a wanted man, a damn good gun fighter, and a man who’s soft side has been taken away because he lost the woman he loves. Ok, were they serious with this shit? I just described almost every western that ever existed. Now, just to make sure it runs through every cliché possible, Harrison Ford shows up pissed off because his son has been arrested despite shooting a deputy. He’s the bad ass of the town and he’ll be damned if any kin of his has to answer to the law! OMG, that’s shitty writing. So, what does this crack team of top Hollywood writers do when confounded by a script that contains 0% originality? Oh, we’ll just crowbar aliens into this fucking mess! That will solve all of our problems. Uhhh, no it won’t. All that does is make this pile of shit smellier and taller. The thing that makes it even worse is that the first 45 minutes to an hour is a conventional western. So, when the aliens do finally show up, you just stare in disbelief at what a bad idea this whole disaster is. The other main problem is when you have a genre mashing popcorn movie with likeable stars, shouldn’t it be fun? This film is no fun whatsoever and has little to no humor.

I find that quite shocking considering Favreu directed both Iron Man films. But, as you watch this hunk of mule shit, you quickly realize that decision after decision by the director is to play this dead pan serious. To top that off, this films cost a whopping $160 million to make and the special effects aren’t even very good. So, where the hell did that money go? The actors got paid, say 30 mil, maybe 5 for Favreu, the script was about 5 bucks, and the CGI was lame and fake looking. I’m assuming it went towards marketing and advertising because I kept hearing about this movie for months. Well, in your face ads or not, count me as one who thought this was one of the worst Hollywood blockbusters to come out in a long time.

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3 responses to “Brian’s Review – “Cowboys and Aliens”

  1. Ouch. Burn…2 out of 10? I enjoyed it for what it was. No, not perfect in any sense but entertaining. I liked it more than you did. 🙂

  2. I’ve been waiting to see this film for myself for quite a while – it’s at the bottom of a very long list!

    Your review (as well as the countless others I’ve read on this film) doesn’t fill me with hope that I’ll enjoy it!

  3. Pingback: » Movie Review – Cowboys & Aliens Fernby Films

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