The Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen

Our two-year anniversary has passed. It’s hard to believe it’s gone by so quickly, and it’s even harder to fathom how quickly our site has grown. We never thought when we started that we’d be getting thousands upon thousands of readers and listeners. We humbly thank you all for reading.

And with that said, here’s the crappiest list of movies we could conjure! We’ve been cutting movies from our original list of 45 of the Worst Movies Ever Made until we came down to to these ten prize-winning pigs. Here are the movies that didn’t make the grade… or did? We’re not sure. They all suck so much that we’re not even ranking them. Instead, we’re simply naming these The Ten Worst Movies Ever Made:

Troll 2: There’s a great documentary based on this film called “Best Worst Movie.” This is a cult favorite, because it’s so horrendously bad, but I don’t see the appeal movies of similar ilk, like “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” This is pure crap, with no redeeming qualities in a movie packed with… nothing?

Pearl Harbor: In this reviewer’s humble opinion, the worst film ever made. It takes every possible misstep that a bad movie could possibly make. A stupid and pointless story? Yup! A boring and incomprehensible love triangle? You bet! A huge budget wasted by rudderless direction and bad acting? Of course! If there is one movie I wish I could bleach from my brain so that I couldn’t remember the horrible experience, this would be it!

Jaws: The Revenge: I can’t think of a series that nose dived more sequel to sequel than the Jaws series. The original Jaws is in our top 10 films of all time and its last sequel is in our top 10 worst. This film should never have been made. I can’t even imagine what morons were at the original pitch meeting that green lit this fucking mess. “Ok, we’re going to have a killer shark that is pissed at the Brody family and wants revenge.” What?!?! A vengeful shark that targets a specific family?!?! What were they thinking????

Batman & Robin: Only a film this horrible could have shut down what was, up until then, one of the biggest and profitable franchises in film history. Its visual look could be described as Gotham City if the entire area was one big gay nightclub. It contains the worst dialogue in film history, the worst acting in a comic book film ever, and the dumbest script ever! I would have said this was the worst film I’ve ever seen except that Pearl Harbor tries to recreate a pivotal point in history. This hunk of crap is at least an isolated work of fiction.

 

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: Offensive in every meaning of the word. It’s disgusting, full of awful acting, voiceover work, special effects, terrible, horrible awful writing that makes you angry when you watch it. Some bad movies are laughable, but this is just in bad taste. I know, it’s a movie about Garbage Pail Kids. What would you expect? Well, maybe something resembling a movie. 

Battlefield Earth: If this is where becoming a scientologist leads you, give back the $240 initiation fee that their church charges to join (if you don’t believe me, click here). John Travolta’s dedication to one of L.Ron Hubbard’s stupid and shitty novels led him to make this horrendous piece of crap. It’s one of those movies that is so horrible that you actually feel nauseous while you’re watching it even when nothing gross is on screen. 

Rampage: An embarrassment to human decency. If you’re going to make a film about a psycho who goes on a bombastic murder spree gunning down innocents, shouldn’t the characters’ motivations and psychological well being be the centerpieces of the film? Well, according to schlock director Uwe Boll, no! His idea is to have the violence be the center. Why? Cause it’s just so bad ass to see a guy in full body armor walk into public places and murder innocent civilians. What a disgustingly stupid waste of time. 

Mannequin 2: On The Move: I have no idea what they were thinking when they wrote this movie. The first one had some campy charm, but this lacks all soul, brevity and whit the first one had. There’s some story about a wizard and a princess frozen in time… blah blah. It’s just a movie that falls flat on it’s face. Wooden in more ways than one.

 

Show Girls: This movie almost made us hate boobs… Almost. There are so many horrible moments, but I think the worst is the fish flopping sex scene. It’s just mind-boggling how someone could put this to celluloid and think it was good. This movie takes itself seriously. It thinks it’s a real movie, which is what makes it bad. If it was just a campy booby movie, it wouldn’t be on the list. But they actually thought they were making a real movie.

 

Mac and Me: As film critic Chris Hicks of The Desert News said: “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a movie that is as crass a 90-minute commercial as Mac and Me.” This is a movie that rips off E.T., with a homesick alien and a boy trying to get him home, but with more product placements than you can shake a stick at. The alien needs Coca-Cola to stay alive, and Ronald McDonald is a supporting cast member. Horrendously unoriginal and lacks any artistic integrity.

The Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen Part 4

Every day we’re cutting ten movies from our original list of 45 of the Worst Movies Ever Made until we’re down to ten. Brian and Matt will each chop five from the list.

Here are the movies that didn’t make the grade… or did? We’re not sure. They all suck, but they’re not going to make it to the ten worst ever.

Brian’s Vetoes

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: This movie blows, plain and simple.  But, it mainly blows because of Michael Bay’s mechanical and emotionless direction.  The technical elements are quite good and the sound engineers were terrfic.  I know these are lame reasons but have you seen the other films left on the list?

Dreamcatcher: One of the worst Stephen King adaptations ever but not the absolute worst.  That prestigious dishonor goes to Maximum Overdrive.  So, since that movie isn’t here, I’m removing Dreamcatcher.

The A-Team: This movie is god damn stupid.  It reminded me of those horrible Charlie’s Angels movies.  This was a simple process of elimination vote but I’m thrilled it made it this far.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:The Secret of the Ooze: I almost eliminated this last round except I remembered that ninja rap song that Vanilla Ice performed near the end.  That was, in my opinion, the worst movie musical moment that has ever been printed to filom and that includes From justin to Kelly.  However, the movie is fairly faithful to its source material.

Leprechaun 4: In Space: It’s so stupid that it’s actually semi-amusing.  They didn’t take the material seriously and they got a shitty movie out of it.  The rest of flicks are worse.

Matt’s Vetoes

Leonard Part 6: Mind-numbingly bad. Bill Cosby is a talent, but he never made a good movie, and this is an example why. A futuristic time cop called from retirement? Ugh… terrible production. In TV land, he’s amazing and among the best, but here in Movie World, he’s the pits. Pudding pop, anyone?

Catwoman: There have been some bad comic book movies I think are worse, like “The Punisher” with Dolf Lundgren or “Daredevil” with Ben Affleck. This one is bad, but it slips by.

Cool As Ice: This movie was an insult to “Rebel Without a Cause.” I mean, a hip-hop version of the classic movie starring Vanilla Ice? I couldn’t have come up with that if I tried. But alas, there are worse movies on the list.

Weekend at Bernie’s II: The original was actually kind of funny, if you could separate yourself from the idea that two bumbling guys need to pretend their evil boss isn’t dead and use him in all kinds of goofy ways so they don’t get blamed for his death. But by the sequel, after the body has been through the ocean, dropped and stuffed in luggage, wouldn’t the corpse start to smell? Plus, the story just sucked this time around.

The Day After Tomorrow: Ugh, what a turd. But there are other epic disaster movies that are worse, including one left on this list.

MOVIES REMAINING ON OUR LIST:

Rampage
Mannequin 2: On The Move
Munchies
 Pearl Harbor
Jaws: The Revenge
Battlefield Earth
Batman & Robin
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Super Mario Bros.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Caddy Shack 2
Troll 2
Mac and Me
Show Girls

The Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen Part 3

Every day we’re cutting ten movies from our original list of 45 of the Worst Movies Ever Made until we’re down to ten. Brian and Matt will each chop five from the list.

Here are the movies that didn’t make the grade… or did? We’re not sure. They all suck, but they’re not going to make it to the ten worst ever.

Matt’s Vetoes 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: Thanks to the Comedy Central cult-classic TV show Mystery Science Theater 3,000, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” has found a place of redemption in my world. It’s God awful, but not offensively so. It’s just too silly.

White Chicks: There are worse blacksplotation films than “White Chicks.” The make-up was laughable… but not in a funny, ha-ha kind of way. It looked robotic and so fake. The concept is OK, but this just fell on its face.

Vulgar: I admit this movie is not good, and it is pretty offensive. The concept, for those not familiar, is a clown shows up for a gig, gets raped by a bunch of weirdos, and then goes on to be a famous TV clown who then gets bribed by the family, yes family, who raped him. It took itself very seriously, too. What a turd. But there are worse on the list.

Zak and Miri Make a Porno: I’m cutting two Kevin Smith-related projects here, but Zak and Miri at least had lots of boobs. I rest my case.

Independence Day: It saddens me to cut a Will Smith movie, because he really does suck. If Brian had chosen “Wild Wild West” instead of this, I wouldn’t have chopped it. Alas, “Independence Day” gets the axe.

Brian’s Vetoes

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace This movie is nowhere near as bad as geeky fanboys would have you believe. Is Jar-Jar annoying? Yes. Can Jake Lloyd act? Certainly not. However, the light saber battle is spectacular and the pod race is still fun to watch.

Any “Scary Movie” film: All of these movies suck ass. In fact, the scene where a dick comes out of a bathroom hole to tickle one of the random Wayans guys in the ear is so incredibly stupid that I’m tempted to leave it on the list. However, I also know they meant for these to be dumb so I’m vetoing it.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: I am embarrassed for Christopher Reeve when I watch this. His performance is so earnest and consistent through all four films and yet the producers didn’t give him a budget and script to match his dedication. Such a shame but because of Reeve, this goes off.

Piranha 3-D: I really hated this fucking movie. It contains horrible special effects and NO STORY WHATSOEVER!! But, it knows what it is and doesn’t pretend to be good.

Hobo With a Shotgun: I reviewed this and gave it a 5. It was dissapointing but nowhere in the conversation of the worst films of all time.

MOVIES REMAINING ON OUR LIST:

The Day After Tomorrow
Rampage
Mannequin 2: On The Move
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Munchies
Leonard Part 6
Pearl Harbor
Jaws: The Revenge
Catwoman
Battlefield Earth
Batman & Robin
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Super Mario Bros.
Dreamcatcher
The A-Team
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Caddy Shack 2
Cool As Ice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Troll 2
Mac and Me
Show Girls
Leprechaun 4: In Space

Hard to believe, but Superman IV could have been worse

The Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen Part 2

Every day we’re cutting ten movies from our original list of 45 of the Worst Movies Ever Made until we’re down to ten. Brian and Matt will each chop five from the list.

Here are the movies that didn’t make the grade… or did? We’re not sure. They all suck, but they’re not going to make it to the ten worst ever.

Brian’s Vetoes

The Devil’s Rejects:  I’m not sure if Rob Zombie spit at my brother in a bar but he really hates this film and I don’t get it. It’s one of my favorite films in the horror genre and should never have been on this list.

Last House on the Left:  I absolutely hate the way Wes Craven portrayed the goofy cops in this film but it has some genuinely frightening and disturbing moments.

Real Steel: Sly Stalone’s “Over the Top” with Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. Embarrassingly dumb but not in the conversation of worst ever.

Teen Wolf:  This movie completely sucks and deserves to be on this list. However, I’m willing to concede it’s a product of 1980’s teen culture and for that I’m letting it off the hook.

Nowhere to Run: Dumb with a capital D! But, couldn’t you use that to describe every single Van Damme film?

Matt Vetoes

Moulin Rouge: Goofy as hell? Yes. But not worst ever. I mean, it won an Oscar for best picture and launched the career of Ewan McGregor.

Beloved: I think Brian was just blinded by his hatred of Oprah when he put this one on the list. Is it good? God no. This is an average flick that could have gone straight to basic cable.

Big Daddy: Yes, Adam Sandler has made some dog shit movies, and this is certainly one of them. To me, offensive movies like “Last House on the Left,” with its constant use of uneccessary and graphic rape scenes or horrible acting and attrocious violence in “The Devil’s Rejects” make those far worse. Bad, but not worst ever.

Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Prices: Poorly made documentary that stirred up a ton of press and got way more distribution and viewing than it deserved. Definitely in the conversation for worst documentaries, and worthy of this list, but not the top ten. P.S. I hate Wal-Mart.

Leprechaun in the Hood: A bong-smoking gangsta leprechaun? Now we’ve seen everything.  One of the Leprechaun movies had to go from the list. Leprechaun in Space just seems worse… though not by much.

MOVIES REMAINING ON OUR LIST:

The Day After Tomorrow
Independence Day
Rampage
Vulgar
Mannequin 2: On The Move
Zak and Miri Make a Porno
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Munchies
Howard The Duck
Leonard Part 6
Any “Scary Movie” film
Pearl Harbor
White Chicks
Jaws: The Revenge
Catwoman
Battlefield Earth
Batman & Robin
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Super Mario Bros.
Superman IV
Hobo With a Shotgun
Dreamcatcher
The A-Team
Piranha 3-D
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Caddy Shack 2
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Cool As Ice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Troll 2
Mac and Me
Show Girls
Leprechaun 4: In Space

The Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen Part 1

In honor of our two-year anniversary, The Movie Brothers, Brian and Matt, are giving you the Ten Worst Movies We’ve Ever Seen. On our one-year anniversary, we started the Ten Greatest Films Ever.

Brian and Matt picked this list of 45 films we wanted to consider for the ten worst. Each day until our anniversary, we will remove ten films from the list and explanation why. The Movie Brothers will each pick five films to cut from the list each day until we are down to ten.  It’s important we state these are the worst films we’ve ever seen verse worst films ever. For example, we’ve never seen the films “Justin to Kelly” or “Glitter,” but we’ve heard they suck and assume that’s true. However, they can’t be on our list because we’ve never actually watched them. Here goes:

Moulin Rouge
The Day After Tomorrow
Independence Day
Rampage
Vulgar
Mannequin 2: On The Move
Zak and Miri Make a Porno
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Nowhere To Run
Munchies
Howard The Duck
Leonard Part 6
Any “Scary Movie” film
Beloved
Pearl Harbor
Teen Wolf
White Chicks
Big Daddy
Jaws: The Revenge
Catwoman
Battlefield Earth
Batman & Robin
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
Real Steel
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Super Mario Bros.
Superman IV
Last House on the Left
The Devil’s Rejects
Hobo With a Shotgun
Leprechaun in the Hood
Dreamcatcher
The A-Team
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Prices
Piranha 3-D
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Caddy Shack 2
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Cool As Ice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Troll 2
Mac and Me
Show Girls
Leprechaun 4: In Space

Here’s Top 50 worst from  IMDB.com

Shame

In New York City, Brandon’s carefully cultivated private life — which allows him to indulge his sexual addiction — is disrupted when his sister Sissy arrives unannounced for an indefinite stay.

Brian
Rating: 8 out of 10

Human beings have a fear of facing life’s constant stresses. It’s not exactly a mystery why many turn to drugs, alcohol, or food to numb themselves and forget for a brief moment their own pain and fear. But what if sex was your drug of choice? That’s the question asked by director Steve McQueen who is proving that he might be a talent in cinema that is here to stay. Michael Fassbender’s character Brandon is a tortured soul. He has a good job, a beautiful New York City apartment, and a loving sister but he wanders through life as if nothing makes him happy. His entire existence centers around when he can have his next fix, which in this case is an orgasm. He lives on internet porn, prostitutes, constant masturbation, and the hope he can score another random lover before the night is out. He has no friends to speak of except for his boss David, who is married and a father but goes out to bars with Brandon just so he can live out another life and pick up women behind his wife’s back. The more I thought about their friendship the more I realized that it wasn’t real. Brandon used David so that while David would talk to women in his brash and overconfident way and Brandon could stand back and look like the quiet and innocent friend. Brandon could then scoop up the women that were turned off and viewed him in a better light so that he could get his fix.

The other main character in the picture is Brandon’s sister Sissy, played by Carey Mulligan. She, too, has a deep rooted pain that is relieved by sex but unlike Brandon, she doesn’t repress her emotions. Their relationship is strained but you can tell they truly care about one another. While it is never stated in the film, there is a definite sense that the two of them have been through some traumatic events in their lives that have lead them on this path. All of the actors are excellent, but I’m here to say that Michael Fassbender is becoming one of the best actors of his generation. There’s not very many talents that can convey emotion the way he does without saying anything at all. At a mere 35 years old, he has a lot of great films ahead of him.

Steve McQueen’s direction is spot on for a film like this. An NC-17 film based on sex addiction could have been a disaster in less patient hands but he adds a sense of class and restraint to the entire story. The camera will sit on static shots and let the actors play out their dialogue. Sometimes the camera is looking directly at their face, sometimes it’s their profile, or sometimes it’s from an odd angle. Each decision made by McQueen serves a purpose to help us feel what the characters are feeling. I also have a real issue with the MPAA. Their repulsion towards sexual material compared to their acceptance of violent material is laughable. “Shame” is an explicit film and contains some shocking moments but what exactly constituted the NC-17 rating? Male frontal nudity? The sex scenes are no more graphic than other films of this kind and I’ve heard explicit dialogue before in R-rated fare. Yet, “Passion of the Christ”, “Saving Private Ryan”, and “Natural Born Killers” are rated R. I’m sorry to go on a random rant but why is a film that contains sex treated more harshly? Are we really that repressed as a society? It’s a shame (no pun intended) that a thought-provoking film like this could reach less of an audience because it decided to deal with an issue that most film makers wouldn’t have had the guts to touch. It’s not a perfect film but it sure is brave.

The Cabin in the Woods

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.

Matt
Rating: 8 out of 10

I love it when a film comes along in a tired genre and kicks it in the ass.

The first “Scream” movie was a revolation for horror fans tired of countless sequels. Believe it or not, this movie actually doesn’t leave much need for one, either. To me, that’s the hallmark of a great movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The beauty of this film is that it starts like every other teenager-targeted slasher flick. It moves well, injects quite a bit of humor along the way, and keeps us engaged while we have fun. It works. But by the ending, which I will not spoil, it takes some very interesting twists and turns that will leave both fanboys and the general public happy.

Mind you, if you’re not a horror or fantasy fan, I think you’ll still enjoy this, though on a different level as horror fans. As a horror fan, I delighted in the playful nature the director took with horror and folk lore and turned it on its head a bit and looked at these conventions with a fresh take. It was a nice change of pace. Don’t go to the “Cabin in the Woods” hoping for your typical movie. You won’t find it, but that’s the beauty of it. If you don’t like change, and you like your teenagers predictably walking into dark rooms where the killer was just seen, or you think Freddy needs a 20th sequel, this may not be the flick for you.

Vic’s Review – “Wrath of the Titans”

In this sequel to 2010’s Clash of the Titans, heroic demigod Perseus ventures into Hades itself to take on the ascendant Titans, potent enemies of the gods who have hatched a scheme to imprison Zeus in the depths of the underworld.

Victor –

“Wrath of the Titans”

7 out of 10

I must commend director Jonathan Liebesman for delivering a quick, fun and frivolous mythology based action film that indeed entertains in that weird “I’m not expecting Ben Hur” kind of way. I was actually prepping to write a really ass chewing review for this film. But I must admit (maybe it could have been that I had a belly full of delicious Italian food when I saw this)  I rather enjoyed the movie. I am a fan of the first Charles Schneer “Clash” film and the re-make was kinda “Meh” for me so under that umbrella I had figured it wouldn’t be hard to continue the crapfest they started with the re-make.

“Wrath” suffers from having a bit of a hokey Father/Son premise (Perseus now has a tyke of his own) but it makes up for it in execution, awesome visual effects and action, action, action. Oh and Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes are in it so that is always a plus even when other characters could be dull. The movie overall is very polished, and easy to watch. That works in it’s favor. “Clash” was a bit shaky and over frenetic in it’s action and the CGI was hit or miss. Not so with “Wrath.” The film’s CGI and action set pieces are leaps and bounds better than the first installment. Most notably during the Chimera battle and the resurrection of Cronos.  Be warned though, there are some fast cuts used here and there but they do not detract from the experience. Hades underworld is impressive to behold and the Cyclops sequence is harrowing.

Sam Worthington is believable and better settled in as Perseus even though his delivery at times feels stilted. He excels during the action scenes. He jumps, ducks, rolls and cries aloud with a very capable energy not seen as much anymore with other CGI drenched films. As I mentioned before, Neeson and Fiennes are great to watch and I even enjoyed how they relished the roles. Especially after Zeus exclaims, “Let’s have some fun!”

Rosamund Pike as Andromeda is hardcore in the battles sequences and very sexy in the quieter scenes when she plays the stout leader of her army or against Worthington. Agenor played by Toby Kebbell is the cliched comedy relief but he never goes too way over the top and is quite entertaining and precise. Bill Nighy as Hephaestus steals some scenes away from the rest of the cast. His turn in this film is refreshing.  All in all the cast endures and they make the best with what is given to them.

“Wrath of the Titans” is a quick, explosive and action filled fantasy film that never makes any qualms about it being just a visual treat as opposed to being a Shakespearean play. Enjoy it for what it is, folks and I think you’ll have some fun watching some action packed CGI goofiness.

Brian’s Review – “Across The Universe”

An American girl (Evan Rachel Wood) and a British lad (Jim Sturgess) fall in love amid the social and political upheaval of the 1960s in this movie musical from director Julie Taymor that features classic Beatles songs and a mix of live action and animation. On an excursion to America, Liverpool dock worker Jude (Sturgess) falls for Lucy (Wood). But when Lucy’s brother (Joe Anderson) is drafted, Jude and Lucy take a stand as anti-war activists.

Across the Universe

Rating: 2 out of 10

There are plenty of people that might find this an interesting film that will bring back memories of a time that I am far too young to have experienced.  But, being realistic, as a cohesive film, it’s a complete fucking waste.  That’s not to say that the concept behind it was necessarily a bad idea.  All of the characters sing Beatles song throughout the story.  When the film first started, I let it go that it wasn’t the original versions of the songs.  My thinking was that it was how the Beatles music related to the characters during important moments in their life and the fact that they sung it themselves reinforced that idea.  Well, as the film progressed it was clear that I had put a lot more thought into it than the people that made this pile of shit did.  The amazing and beautiful songs by the Beatles are wasted.

The story is almost non-existent.  We get a kid from Liverpool (ugh) who’s name is Jude (double ugh) and comes to America, runs into random people, and ends up living in a house with a girl named Prudence(triple ugh), another girl named Sadie(feeling the need to vomit), and a guy named Jo-Jo(ok, I can’t take anymore characters named after Beatles songs. I’m running out of ugh’s).   There’s a film somewhere here but the script lacks any creativity and it doesn’t just end with stupid character names.  The song numbers just don’t work.  The worst offender is the scene where one kid is drafted to fight in Vietnam to “I Want You (She’s so heavy)” with a CGI Uncle Sam pointing at him and singing I Want You!!  I couldn’t make this shit up.  I started laughing my ass off at the ridiculousness of it.  It’s like the writers wrote a bunch of songs on a piece of paper and played connect the dots to somehow fill a 2 hour movie.  The actors in it are sub-par.  Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood have no chemistry at all.  It also doesn’t help that their voices suck and neither can really hold a tune much less perform in a musical.  I’d keep pointing at them but how are they supposed to deliver great performances with a script that has lines like, “Jude, we’re in the middle of a revolution!”  I’ll give credit to the writers. They managed to fit two Beatles songs in one sentence.

As a card carrying Beatles fan, this film is both an insult to the Beatles and their fans.  Their music is certainly fitting for a movie where the story uses their songs to advance a plot, give us characters that we give a shit about, and provide us with an experience worthy of the legacy they left behind after their breakup in 1969.  Unfortunately, this isn’t it….

Brian’s Review – “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

2011/ R/ 158 minutes

When a young computer hacker is tasked with investigating a prying journalist, their separate missions become entangled amid a decades-old conspiracy. David Fincher directs this English adaptation of Stieg Larsson’s novel.

Rating: 4 out of 10

I have always had a hard time rating films harshly when they’re as well acted and technically executed as this movie is. Clearly, anyone who knows David Fincher’s work (Seven, Fight Club, Social Network etc.) knows that he is a very talented director with a keen visual style. But, this movie is such a god damn plot mess filled with way too many disposable scenes that I cannot hold back my disdain. It also doesn’t help that it runs at over 2 ½ hours and you would think that would be enough to give the viewer a clear idea of exactly what’s going on and exactly why but it doesn’t. The whole buildup is just a stupid and meandering mess. Daniel Craig’s character is a complete waste of his talents. I have always thought he is a very believable actor who delivers solid performances but the script here turns him into generic wallpaper with very little motivation. I kept wondering several times, “Why in the fuck is still investigating this?” Cause he’s paid double his normal rate? Who cares? Cause he’ll get information on someone who fucked him over and he gets revenge? That would work if we were ever given a background as to exactly what happened so the viewer would give more than half a shit. Now, why within the huge canvas of a 2 ½ hour movie that contains some of the slowest dialogue scenes isn’t there more background on the main characters? I’ll give credit to Rooney Mara. She’s by far the best thing in the film and brings and energy to her character that the rest of the film lacks.

The side plot about what she has to go through to pay her bills is far more interesting than the main story. But, it doesn’t exactly go to explain who any of these people are. I have no doubt that this movie is faithful to its literary source or all of the fans of Stieg Larsson’s novel would have been in an uproar. But, this was a film that demanded a re-write to make it more of a film and less of a book translation. Why couldn’t the film have started with Daniel Craig’s investigation that led to his subsequent downfall? Why couldn’t Rooney Mara’s character have had some flashbacks to explain where she came from? I was very much looking forward to seeing this film and am obviously disappointed with the end result. This is easily the weakest film in David Fincher’s excellent filmography.