Every day we’re cutting ten movies from our original list of 45 of the Worst Movies Ever Made until we’re down to ten. Brian and Matt will each chop five from the list.
Here are the movies that didn’t make the grade… or did? We’re not sure. They all suck, but they’re not going to make it to the ten worst ever.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: Thanks to the Comedy Central cult-classic TV show Mystery Science Theater 3,000, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” has found a place of redemption in my world. It’s God awful, but not offensively so. It’s just too silly.
White Chicks: There are worse blacksplotation films than “White Chicks.” The make-up was laughable… but not in a funny, ha-ha kind of way. It looked robotic and so fake. The concept is OK, but this just fell on its face.
Vulgar: I admit this movie is not good, and it is pretty offensive. The concept, for those not familiar, is a clown shows up for a gig, gets raped by a bunch of weirdos, and then goes on to be a famous TV clown who then gets bribed by the family, yes family, who raped him. It took itself very seriously, too. What a turd. But there are worse on the list.
Zak and Miri Make a Porno: I’m cutting two Kevin Smith-related projects here, but Zak and Miri at least had lots of boobs. I rest my case.
Independence Day: It saddens me to cut a Will Smith movie, because he really does suck. If Brian had chosen “Wild Wild West” instead of this, I wouldn’t have chopped it. Alas, “Independence Day” gets the axe.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace This movie is nowhere near as bad as geeky fanboys would have you believe. Is Jar-Jar annoying? Yes. Can Jake Lloyd act? Certainly not. However, the light saber battle is spectacular and the pod race is still fun to watch.
Any “Scary Movie” film: All of these movies suck ass. In fact, the scene where a dick comes out of a bathroom hole to tickle one of the random Wayans guys in the ear is so incredibly stupid that I’m tempted to leave it on the list. However, I also know they meant for these to be dumb so I’m vetoing it.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: I am embarrassed for Christopher Reeve when I watch this. His performance is so earnest and consistent through all four films and yet the producers didn’t give him a budget and script to match his dedication. Such a shame but because of Reeve, this goes off.
Piranha 3-D: I really hated this fucking movie. It contains horrible special effects and NO STORY WHATSOEVER!! But, it knows what it is and doesn’t pretend to be good.
Hobo With a Shotgun: I reviewed this and gave it a 5. It was dissapointing but nowhere in the conversation of the worst films of all time.
MOVIES REMAINING ON OUR LIST:
Mannequin 2: On The Move
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Leonard Part 6
Jaws: The Revenge
Batman & Robin
Weekend at Bernie’s 2
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Super Mario Bros.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Caddy Shack 2
Cool As Ice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Mac and Me
Leprechaun 4: In Space