Tag Archives: Brokeback Mountain

5 movies you shouldn’t waste your money on this summer

Brian

How do I know to avoid these films when I haven’t even seen them?  Let’s just call it intuition and personal biases. Away we go:

Apparently they just cast stop making these things.

5. Shrek Forever After: Shrek sucks. AHHHHHHH, it’s so freeing to say that.  So many people seem to like these shitty movies and I just don’t get it.  They’re not funny, the characters are stock, and Mike Myers does yet another stupid Scottish accent.  In fact, I decided to look up how much of his career has depended on that stupid Scottish crap.  Here we go:

A.He had a sketch on SNL called “If it ain’t Scottish, it’s crap.”

B.  So I married an Axe Murderer: He plays his own father and, of course, he’s Scottish.

C.  Shrek

D. Shrek 2

E. Shrek 3

F. Shrek 4

G.  Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

H. Austin Powers in Goldmember

Do I really need to keep going?  I know Shawn has recommended this film and while I respect his opinion, I don’t agree with it.  AVOID!

4. The A-Team: Do we all remember how many bad movies there are based on TV shows?  The Beverly Hillbillies, The Avengers, Charlie’s Angels 1 and 2, Wild, Wild West and the Mod Squad — just to name a few.  Why in the hell do they keep making this shit?  It’s because morons keep going to see them.  The greedy suits don’t care what shit they shovel as long as they hear a cha-ching at the box office.  The only way to make these “films” go away is to stop going to them!!

Your typical Twilight fan.

3. The Twilight Saga: Ok, I know I’m not a 14-year-old girl and was told that they’re the target audience for this crap.  I watched the first Twilight film and consider it one of the worst pieces of dog shit I have ever had the displeasure of seeing in my life.  I’ve been told by others that the second one is even worse.  While I find that hard to believe, I have to say avoid even taking your daughter to this.  You’re saving precious brain cells she’ll need for college one day and precious brain cells you’d rather waste on drinking beer.

2. The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: There’s only one thing worse than a movie based on a TV show and that’s a film based on a video game.  I mean, seriously, is Hollywood that devoid of ideas that they have to flip on an Xbox 360 for inspiration?  Not to mention, this film cost $200 million to produce and stars the catcher in Brokeback Mountain.  Yeah, that’s a recipe for success.  I can just see the meeting room at the movie studio going something like this:

Exec 1: “Ok, the 2010 summer season is creeping up and we need a new blockbuster.  What have you got for me?”

Exec 2:  “Well, I was playing my Xbox 360 and a light bulb went off.  How about we do Prince of Persia?”

Exec 1:  “Hmmm, that doesn’t sound bad.   Can we have a damsel in distress?”

Exec 2: “Of course and we’ll slut her up to get the teenage crowd.

Exec 1: “Perfect, perfect, we’ll keep them gazing at her and they’ll forget the script sucks.”

Exec 2:  “Oh, sir, we have no script, we’ll just take elements from the video game and wing it.”

Exec 1: “That sounds perfect.  But, when we green-light this turd and give you a huge budget, we need an enormous crowd so we can make as much money as possible.  I want a PG-13 rating to welcome all age groups, hot women for the teens and a hunky hero for the ladies and the gay crowd.  Then, it’ll be set in the Middle East so that it has an international flavor to pull in that overseas money.   Mmmmm, I can smell the greenbacks now.”

1. Killers: Ashton Kutcher is either the Antichrist or sold his soul to the devil and I’m determined to find out which.  Never has someone so untalented, so unfunny, so utterly impossible to watch ever been given this long a career.  And now, after shitting all over the film and television industry with his “acting”, we are given another brain-dead romantic comedy that should have never seen the light of day.  Who the hell watches his movies?  I have only ever caught them in pieces because seeing an Ashton Kutcher film is much like watching a guy bite the head of a chicken.  It’s no fun for you, it’s no fun for him, and it’s certainly no fun for the chicken.

Top 5 most overrated movies

There are plenty of films that become critics darlings, or take the film award season by storm. Many of them, however, are crap. For instance, the timeless film “Raging Bull” was nominated for several Oscars, including best picture in 1980. Can you tell me who won? “Ordinary People” took home the award. It was crap. Here are two lists of our most overrated movies.

Brian

5. The English Patient: By the time this overlong, overly sentimental film is over, the most painful thing is that you’ll never get that 3 hours of your life back.  It’s complete drivel that somehow managed to pull out a best picture Oscar.  Such a shame….

WARNING: Watch this movie in bed, as you are likely to fall asleep, just like the actors did in this film clip.

4.  The Pink Panther (Any of them): Another film that is heralded as a classic and put Blake “no talent” Edwards on the map.  He only had one good movie ever with “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  The rest are pure garbage.  “The Pink Panther” is terribly dull and unfunny — I had a hard time staying awake.  Classic? I think not.

In search of a funny movie? Look elsewhere.

3.  Chicago: Another best picture winner that has the deodorizer known as an Oscar to cover up the rank smell of shit permeating from this turd.  No plot, no characters I care about, musical tunes that are boring or sung completely out of tune (Richard Gere, you bastard, my ears will never be the same) are among the highlights of a film that has already been forgotten.

2. Shakespeare in Love: This won best picture over “Saving Private Ryan”…  Wait a minute, I just had to catch my breath.  Let me try this again.  THIS WON BEST PICTURE OVER SAVING PRIVATE RYAN?!?!?!?!!  You’ve got to be kidding me!  That’s all I have to say.

1.  Moulin Rouge: One of the worst films that I have ever seen in 34 years on this Earth was nominated for eight fucking Academy Awards.  What in the hell were they smoking?!  This movie has zero plot, characters that completely suck, musical numbers borrowed from modern sources that don’t work in the slightest, and the most annoying editing I’ve ever seen.  It moves like a manic snot nosed child who ate too much sugar while staring at a bad 60’s fashion show.  Baz Luhrman, please, just stay away from the camera.  You don’t belong there.  All of your movies suck but this one is the worst.

Shiny! But all the glitz adds up to little substance.

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Matt

5. Animal House: John Belushi was an exceptional talent. His work on “Saturday Night Live” set a precedence the show strives to replicate to this day. But “Animal House” is trite, silly without being funny, and hard to stomach. It’s not a terrible movie, it’s below average for certain, but not at all deserving of the iconic status its been elevated to.

If you think eating like a slob is funny, you'll love this movie.

4. Brokeback Mountain: Heath Ledger gave an incredible performance in this movie about two cowboys who become lovers while trying to maintain a normal life in rural, close-minded America. However, this is “Romeo and Juliet” with two gay cowboys. It’s predictable in every fashion and also very slow. This should not have won a best writing Oscar.

3. Shakespeare In Love: I took a date to see this movie. It was a perfect date movie. We laughed, we were entertained, and I’d give this film a positive review. However, it is not worthy of 7 Oscars, let along a best picture award over “Saving Private Ryan.” Gwyneth Paltrow’s performance was solid, but not worthy of a best acting Oscar. Judi Dench was in the movie eight minutes and won a best supporting actress Oscar. Ridiculous. Can we say overrated critics darling?

Someone needs to punch these two.

2. Titanic: This movie had a titanic mess of a script. Even amazing actors like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett couldn’t give anything but wooden performances with this cheesy script. James Cameron knows how to make a visual spectacle, but doesn’t know how to develop a character. This was not worthy of a best picture Oscar. Here’s a lovely piece of dialogue.
Jack: Where to, Miss?
Rose: To the stars.

Gag!

1. Lord of the Rings Trilogy: I loved these movies when they came out in the theaters. When I got them on DVD, and sat down with a buttery bowl of popcorn, I couldn’t believe what a huge nerd I was. I wish I could jump in a time machine and smack me for liking these trite, horribly written films with characters that are overly sentimental, wooden, and boring. If wizards and goblins are your thing, have at it. I like motorcycles, sports, beer and women. You can have your Dungeons and Dragons.

Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. “Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to.

When you say your last sentence twice, you know it’s good writing. You know it’s good writing.