Don’t Go Into The Woods

A young band heads to the woods in order to focus on writing new songs. Hoping to emerge with new music that will score them their big break, they instead find themselves in the middle of a nightmare beyond comprehension.

Matt
Rating: 2 out of 10

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A bunch of hipsters go into the woods to make a musical horror movie…

No, it’s not a joke, it’s real. It’s a genuine effort by Vincent D’Onofrio to make a slasher flick that doubles as a genuine musical, chock full o’ tunes… like a jillion songs. This has more songs than “Fiddler on the Roof” and “Singin’ In the Rain” combined. The victims are literally breaking into song as they’re being sliced and diced.

Vincent D’Onofrio, who is a talented actor, wrote and directed this flick, which I have to guess was a labor of love that he made for a dime with no-name actors. There are a couple tunes that weren’t bad, but they couldn’t make up for bad acting, poor special effects, a lackluster villain, a laughable presentation, and even worse premise. It would be one thing if this was all done with tongue in cheeck as a campy movie, but it’s not. It’s dead serious about being a horror flick and a musical.

This movie is really just a joke.

Casa de mi Padre

Will Ferrell stars as a Spanish-speaking cowboy in this comedy about a Mexican clan trying to rescue their ranch from greedy creditors. When his brother can’t save the day, the simple but noble ranch hand takes on a powerful drug lord.

Matt
Rating: 5 out of 10

In theory, I should love this film: Will Farrell stars in a Spanish-language film that lampoons old Mexican movies in a campy romp. In reality, it just kind of fell flat for me.

There were a couple really funny moments where I laughed hard. There’s a very amusing love scene with some uncomfortable close-ups of Farrell’s posterior. It had me cracking up. But a lot of this movie just didn’t go anywhere, or meandered. There weren’t enough jokes.

This movie does succeed in where Farrell is great as a comedic actor, and that’s character development. In Anchor Man, his character Ron Burgundy has layers of character, and the title roles in this film are given that same treatment. But in the end, the execution fell far short of the premise.

No Retreat, No Surrender

Jason Stillwell, a Bruce Lee fan, is beaten numerous times and trains from the ghost of Lee. Jason then must use his newly acquired skills to save Seattle from a crime syndicate, whose top martial artist is the deadly Ivan

Matt
Rating: 2 out of 10

Sometimes it’s hard to tell where terrible movie begins, and movie camp ends. Such is the case with “No Retreat, No Surrender.”

This is truly a laughably bad movie. A boy’s father has his dojo taken from him, they split town to Seattle, only to find he runs into trouble with local kids. Stop me if you’ve heard this one… cough… Karate Kid… cough. So he takes up karate lessons with the ghost of Bruce Lee after visiting his grave and begging him for guidance. Yup, couldn’t make this up.

Throw in terrible acting, unfocused directing, and a love story wedged in with a montage of corny cliches, and you have a mess of a movie. No bad movie would be complete without a stereotypical, token black best friend who raps and break dances, a fat bully who shovels down burgers and cake, along with a Russian bad guy played by Jean Claud Van Dam who he fights in an anti-climactic ending. It’s the perfect a wretched movie that jumps the boundaries of skill and storytelling into a place where there is a complete lack of imagination and narrative.

There are moments that are really funny because of how bad they are, especially when the token black friend busts some cheesy-ass rhymes while the scene cuts to break-dancing sequences that obviously use a dance double. This is the poor man’s “Karate Kid,” without any endearing qualities. I with  I could give “No Retreat, No Surrender” a roundhouse kick to the face.