Brian’s Review – Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.

2 out of 10

This is a God awful boring and joyless experience of a film. I could accept how dark it is if it were a crime thriller or some form of horror movie where hope has little meaning. But, for a film about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, you expect it to have some fantasy or wonder in the experience. It isn’t helped by the fact that the producers decided to cast the worst actress of her generation in Kristen Stewart. She is so painfully untalented and brings absolutely NOTHING to any character she plays. And, she can’t emote! I mean, that’s the entire fucking job! Emoting feelings from the script to be an ambassador of the story!

She has one acting face and exists somewhere between looking perpetually high on weed and in mid bowel movement. The worst part is that she’s playing Snow White. She’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the land (Stewart sure isn’t) and her mere gaze draws people in and makes them happy. Are they kidding with putting her in that kind of role? For instance, the woodsman played by Chris Hemsworth (Thor and Star Trek) is all out for himself and could care less what happens to Snow White. A few scenes later, he’s diving into action and putting his life on the line for hers. Why??? They have almost no dialogue to back up that kind of loyalty. So, is he smitten with her? And if so, why? At this point, I was too bored to care. There aren’t any interesting characters in this farce to follow or give a shit about. So, what are we left with? A scene stealing performance by Charlize Theron who’s utterly wasted and a cast of characters with no personality. Oh, don’t forget about “Princess Constipated.” Seriously, just go and spend 2 hours doing almost anything else.

 

 

Thor

Kenneth Branagh directs this Marvel Comics-inspired action flick about the thunder god Thor (Chris Hemsworth), a powerful warrior whose father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins) — the king of Asgard — forces him to live among humans on Earth and learn humility. Once there, he finds a friend (Natalie Portman), along with unexpected enemies sent from his world. Kat Dennings, Stellan Skarsgård and Rene Russo co-star.

Matt
Rating: 4 out of 10

Have you ever seen the Dolph Lundgren’s 1989 opus (sarcasm) “Masters of the Universe?” It’s a live-action adaptation of the He-Man cartoon series of the 80s. The basic plot is that He-Man is this super hulk with a special weapon he wields in the name of good to protect his far-off science-fiction, fantasy home. Somehow, the he gets warped to Earth where he struggles to adapt while trying to get back. Along the way, some of the baddies from his home come to Earth where a battle ensues.

Well, that’s the exact plot of Marvel’s latest, “Thor.” This movie fails in just about every way. Without a strong supporting cast, it could have been a 2 out of 10. I was not impressed. It’s had some tough competition to follow with the excellent Iron Man movies.

I wouldn’t recommend Thor. It’s so awkward, it makes you feel uncomfortable watching it. I’d recommend watching “Masters of the Universe.” The first youtube installment is below. At least it’s funny because of how bad it is.