Surfer, Dude

Laid-back Steve Addington (Matthew McConaughey) lives his dream life as he tours the globe, catching the best waves in every hemisphere. But when he returns to Malibu, things change: The good waves have disappeared, and to his great dismay, they don’t return all summer! Soon, Steve begins to question his existence, searching for meaning in his life with no waves to ride. Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson co-star in this comic romp.

Lauren
Rating: 1 out of 10

Matthew McConaughey should have been thrown out of Hollywood for making “Surfer, Dude.”

I don’t even know where to start with how awful this movie is. The story centers around an aging surfer name Steve, played by McConaughey, who has no idea why people pay him to surf. He doesn’t realize he is advertising their clothes and surfboards. And, when he somehow gets himself signed up to live in an MTV Real World-style house for famous surfers, he decides he can’t handle the commercialization. For some reason at this point the waves stop coming and Steve takes off in frustration.

Everything about this movie is bad. Even appearances from McConaughey’s friends Willie Nelson and Woody Harrelson couldn’t help.

Top 5 Untalented Actors

There are lots of bad actors working today. In fact, you could argue more are bad than good. But this list isn’t for them. This list is for the Top 5 untalented, meaning, they lack very little talent. Bad actors can at least punch their way out of a wet paper bag. The following five should just put that wet paper bag over their heads and call it a day. Here’s Brian’s Top 5 untalented actors.

Brian

5. Matthew McConaughey: If you’re looking for an actor to simply speak in a southern accent, be in your movie despite the script sucking donkey balls, and finding any excuse to take his shirt off, Matthew “Duh…” Mcconaughey is your man.  Do yourself a favor and look at his resume.  This guy is an insult to the word “actor” and that’s saying something.

4. Keanu Reeves: You have to hand it to this guy.  He keeps getting job after job while more talented actors fall into obscurity.  How does he do it?  Is it his “whoa” catch phrase?  Is it his amazing ability to sound like a surfer dude even when he’s in 19^th century Transylvania?  If you ever want to laugh your fucking ass off at what isn’t supposed to be comedy, rent the Devils Advocate.  Not only does he do the worst southern accent in the history of film but whenever he acts alongside the legendary Al Pacino it’s like watching Michael Jordan compete against a Special Olympian.

3.  Jeff Goldblum: This guy has one acting move.  He stutters and stammers his way through dialogue to make it sound natural when it is anything but.  He also never, ever plays characters.  He plays Jeff Goldblum and he doesn’t even do it very well.  You don’t believe me? OK, I want anyone who’s reading this to explain to me what the difference is between any two Jeff Goldblum characters and how his acting performance is any different film to film.  Yeah, that’s what I thought…….

2.  Orlando Bloom: Ok, this is going to get me death threats from 12-year-old fangirls everywhere but this guy is a horrendous actor.  In “Pirates of the Caribbean,” when he’s sword fighting with Johnny Depp and spewing out that horrible dialogue, I was looking for the nearest barf bag.  He nearly sunk “Kingdom of Heaven” with his awful acting. And in “Troy,” I nearly had a bellyache from laughing so hard every time he spoke.  The only movie he’s even passable in is “Lord of the Rings” where he has almost no dialogue and is given the lone responsibility of standing there looking like an elf.

1.  Will Smith: There has never been a more talentless actor than Will Smith.  It’s not that he’s the worst actor that ever lived.  I’m sure if I gave it any thought, David Caruso or some B-movie actor could be worse.  But, we’re talking about one of the top box office stars in the world and he sucks!!!  We’re not talking sucks a little bit.  We’re talking he sucks every single form of testicle that the biggest whore in the world could fit in her mouth at once.  Yeah, that much!!  He also suffers from “Oprah Syndrome.”  What I mean by that is:

A) He thinks he’s incredibly important to the world and amazing at what he does the way Oprah loves the smell of her own feces.  I mean she actually has a magazine that she puts her own ugly mug on week after week!!  But, I digress.  We were talking about Will Smith..

B) He goes in and out of being black whenever the need suits him just like Oprah.  If Will Smith goes on Larry King, he’s as white as can be and even tries to awkwardly fit in large words that he has no idea how to wield.  But, put him on the BET awards and it’s “Dog” this and “yo” that.  I hate that shit. Be yourself and stop trying to cater to everyone to suit your own ego.  He does this in his films too.  He’s constantly picking the safest possible films ever.  He never ever takes a chance on anything.  Think about it.  What film of his ever put him in a risky situation?  I mean, even Tom Cruise did “Eyes Wide Shut.” But Will Smith?  “Pursuit of Happiness?” “Ali?” “Men in Black?” Who in the fuck are these going to offend?  I could go on forever about how much he sucks but I think you get the idea.

In a word: lame!