Movies we completely disagree on

Brian and Matt have very similar taste in film, but every once in a while we completely disagree on a movie. Each of the Movie Brothers will list three three movies we disagree on and rip on each other in the process. Enjoy!

Brian

Hulk (Ang Lee version from 2003)

This film is an abhorrent failure on every conceivable level.   The special effects make the Hulk look like a fake plastic doll, Eric Bana is lifeless in the lead, Nick Nolte seems like they grabbed him from a  totally different movie and Ang Lee’s direction is rudderless, flat, and uninteresting.  This was even more apparent when the movie studio pretended they got a do-over and released the much better “Incredible Hulk” in 2008.  Matt always told me he liked the more cerebral aspects of the film.  To this I say:  “Yeah, I enjoyed the really ‘cerebral’ moments as well, like when Hulk smashed some cars and fought mutated dogs.  Wow, so deep……”

Matt’s rating: 7 out of 10
My rating: 2 out of 10

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

This one isn’t as awful as Hulk but it’s damn near close.  I remember sitting in the theater after this chunk of mule shit started and thought: “This is what all the hype is about?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  All those readers who enjoyed the book (including my brother) told me it was awesome and I’d love it.  What is there to love?  A stupid robot with Alan Rickman’s voice?  A plot that meanders around with little or no explanation?  Characters that pop in and out of the story with no dramatic arc or sense of purpose?  Matt loves the books and is just kidding himself that the film isn’t bad.

Matt’s rating: 8 out of 10
My rating: 3 out of 10

Kids in Hall: Brain Candy

I was never a huge fan of Kids in the Hall but I did catch their show once in a while and though it could be pretty funny.  But, this movie is one of the biggest pieces of garbage I’ve ever seen.  It makes no sense, looks and feels exceptionally low budget and cheap, and is just plain unfunny.  The actors go in and out of characters that belonged in bad five minute sketches and not 90 minute films.  If any of the original creators ever happen to run into this blog, I just want you to know that your film single-handedly turned me off to the Kids in the Hall forever.  Yes, it’s that bad.

Matt’s Rating: 7 out of 10
My Rating: 1 out of 10

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Matt

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I’m sorry, but Hunter S. Thompson is a hack. He used his whole career to shape “gonzo journalism,” and what bothers me more than his fake journalism is that people believed him. Would you really rely on the work of a journalist who loads up on cocaine before heading into the office? And that’s precisely why this script fails. It is moronic. Terry Gilliam‘s visual style works for this movie, but what’s so great about seeing alligators playing poker? I have friends who’ve tripped on acid and they say they’ve never seen anything like that. It’s hard to say Johnny Depp over acted, since that was a requirement for the role, but it was just annoying. The whole movie was a flop.

Brian’s rating: 8 out of 10
My rating: 3 out of 10

Titanic

I remember when my brother came up to me, beyond excited, exclaiming that “Titanic” was the greatest movie ever made and that he’s never seen anything like it. He insisted on going again and taking me. He explained that it was of vital importance that I see this movie. It was one of those movies that would change my life. Instead, I was forced to endure more than three hours of the corniest dialogue and acting I had seen in a long time. Look, the third act is powerful, but there’s a reason for it. It’s all action. The actors can’t trip over the terrible dialogue and each others’ wooden performances. Director James Cameron knows special effects and little else. There are some truly laughable moments, like when Leonardo DiCaprio’s character is handcuffed to a pipe and Kate Winslet goes to look for something to cut him free, and he says, “I’ll be right here!” Where the hell else was he going?

Brian’s rating: 10 out of 10
My rating: 4 out of 10

The Devil’s Rejects

This movie should have been called “The Devil’s Retards.” This is another one of those movies where Brian approached me with bounding enthusiasm. He literally said: “Rob Zombie is the future of Hollywood. He will represent the next great generation of directors.” That’s a huge endorsement. And no, I’m not joking when I quote him.  He really said that. So I ran to rent “The Devil’s Rejects” expecting to see the next Kubrick or Kirosawa. Instead, I sat through 109 minutes of pure crap. Wretched acting (he needs to stop putting his wife in all his movies because she can’t act), laughable dialogue, and special effects that look like a high school audio-visual club pieced it together. On top of that, this movie is a sequel! Lions Gate dished out $7 million on this piece of crap — which is nothing, I know. But Rob Zombie is the last guy I’d give $7 million. This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Brian’s rating: 8 out of 10
My rating: 1 out of 10

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Top 5 most overrated movies

There are plenty of films that become critics darlings, or take the film award season by storm. Many of them, however, are crap. For instance, the timeless film “Raging Bull” was nominated for several Oscars, including best picture in 1980. Can you tell me who won? “Ordinary People” took home the award. It was crap. Here are two lists of our most overrated movies.

Brian

5. The English Patient: By the time this overlong, overly sentimental film is over, the most painful thing is that you’ll never get that 3 hours of your life back.  It’s complete drivel that somehow managed to pull out a best picture Oscar.  Such a shame….

WARNING: Watch this movie in bed, as you are likely to fall asleep, just like the actors did in this film clip.

4.  The Pink Panther (Any of them): Another film that is heralded as a classic and put Blake “no talent” Edwards on the map.  He only had one good movie ever with “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  The rest are pure garbage.  “The Pink Panther” is terribly dull and unfunny — I had a hard time staying awake.  Classic? I think not.

In search of a funny movie? Look elsewhere.

3.  Chicago: Another best picture winner that has the deodorizer known as an Oscar to cover up the rank smell of shit permeating from this turd.  No plot, no characters I care about, musical tunes that are boring or sung completely out of tune (Richard Gere, you bastard, my ears will never be the same) are among the highlights of a film that has already been forgotten.

2. Shakespeare in Love: This won best picture over “Saving Private Ryan”…  Wait a minute, I just had to catch my breath.  Let me try this again.  THIS WON BEST PICTURE OVER SAVING PRIVATE RYAN?!?!?!?!!  You’ve got to be kidding me!  That’s all I have to say.

1.  Moulin Rouge: One of the worst films that I have ever seen in 34 years on this Earth was nominated for eight fucking Academy Awards.  What in the hell were they smoking?!  This movie has zero plot, characters that completely suck, musical numbers borrowed from modern sources that don’t work in the slightest, and the most annoying editing I’ve ever seen.  It moves like a manic snot nosed child who ate too much sugar while staring at a bad 60’s fashion show.  Baz Luhrman, please, just stay away from the camera.  You don’t belong there.  All of your movies suck but this one is the worst.

Shiny! But all the glitz adds up to little substance.

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Matt

5. Animal House: John Belushi was an exceptional talent. His work on “Saturday Night Live” set a precedence the show strives to replicate to this day. But “Animal House” is trite, silly without being funny, and hard to stomach. It’s not a terrible movie, it’s below average for certain, but not at all deserving of the iconic status its been elevated to.

If you think eating like a slob is funny, you'll love this movie.

4. Brokeback Mountain: Heath Ledger gave an incredible performance in this movie about two cowboys who become lovers while trying to maintain a normal life in rural, close-minded America. However, this is “Romeo and Juliet” with two gay cowboys. It’s predictable in every fashion and also very slow. This should not have won a best writing Oscar.

3. Shakespeare In Love: I took a date to see this movie. It was a perfect date movie. We laughed, we were entertained, and I’d give this film a positive review. However, it is not worthy of 7 Oscars, let along a best picture award over “Saving Private Ryan.” Gwyneth Paltrow’s performance was solid, but not worthy of a best acting Oscar. Judi Dench was in the movie eight minutes and won a best supporting actress Oscar. Ridiculous. Can we say overrated critics darling?

Someone needs to punch these two.

2. Titanic: This movie had a titanic mess of a script. Even amazing actors like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett couldn’t give anything but wooden performances with this cheesy script. James Cameron knows how to make a visual spectacle, but doesn’t know how to develop a character. This was not worthy of a best picture Oscar. Here’s a lovely piece of dialogue.
Jack: Where to, Miss?
Rose: To the stars.

Gag!

1. Lord of the Rings Trilogy: I loved these movies when they came out in the theaters. When I got them on DVD, and sat down with a buttery bowl of popcorn, I couldn’t believe what a huge nerd I was. I wish I could jump in a time machine and smack me for liking these trite, horribly written films with characters that are overly sentimental, wooden, and boring. If wizards and goblins are your thing, have at it. I like motorcycles, sports, beer and women. You can have your Dungeons and Dragons.

Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. “Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to.

When you say your last sentence twice, you know it’s good writing. You know it’s good writing.