Piranha 3-D

Ravenous piranhas with razor-sharp teeth terrorize Lake Havasu vacationers in director Alexandre Aja’s 3-D remake of Joe Dante’s campy 1978 horror film, itself a satire of Steven Spielberg’s Jaws. When an earthquake tears open the bottom of Lake Havasu, schools of carnivorous piranhas are released from their underwater lair, and the lake turns into a bloody, frenzied death trap for unwitting water-goers.

Rating: 2 out of 10

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the script writing session for this film. I can just imagine a group of talentless hacks smiling and patting each other on the back after coming up with the brilliant scene of having piranha eat the genitalia off of a character and have the audience watch said genitalia float to the bottom of the river where two of the fish fight over what’s left of it……in 3-D!!!

Piranha 3-D is my pick so far for worst film of the year. It’s a completely brainless, boring, unfunny, and unscary attempt to cash in on the current fad of 3D movies adapted from old horror films. It’s 1 hour and 29 minutes and I’m not kidding when I say at least 45 minutes is dedicated to college kids on spring break being drunk and annoying. Normally this would irritate me enough to cheer whenever the killer shows up. In this case, the killer is CG fish and I didn’t give a shit about the characters being alive, dead, or out to lunch. This film gives them nothing to do that’s remotely interesting. They don’t even die interestingly!! Piranha show up and basically you just see mass chaos underwater followed by screaming and pools of blood. Zzzzzzz!!! Shit, almost fell asleep there. Let me finish this review before I pass out.

The quality of 3D is probably your next question since the only thing left is the novelty of that format. I’ll admit I love cheesy movies in 3D when they overuse the “pop out at you” gimmick but this film rarely does it and the effect just doesn’t immerse you any more than normal. I think the 3D fad, much like killer creatures in the water, has run its course.

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11 responses to “Piranha 3-D

  1. Holy Crap, Brian. So you didn’t like it, eh?

  2. There is far more energy and effort put into this movie than the title of Piranha 3D would imply.
    It was a fun mess, and that’s exactly what they were aiming for. Your review goes against the grain of every review I have seen and read. I don’t go out of my way to see a lot of Hollywood stuff, maybe a half dozen a year, probably less. I go the local art house theater every weekend though. So, that let’s you know where my tastes run. I saw it with friends with flasks and we had fun.
    It’s a little bit lame that you guys do reviews on some movies that really don’t need a review from an independent blog like this one, such as, oh, say, The Good Guys. I would think you would be doing your part to get a more interesting film a wider audience, such as Winnebago Man.
    Anyways, it’s kind of perplexing to see how far you’ve aired on the wrong side of this.

    • We try to cover the gambit. We have broad tastes and can get down with art house flicks or big-budget comedies like The Other Guys or something like Iron Man.

      We pretty much review everything we see.

  3. Erik,

    Thank you for the post and feedback. Honestly, my movie tastes are whatever my mood is at that moment. I’m very aware of independent and foreign cinema and so is my brother. I have seen everything from obscure works of Godard, Renoir(Particularly The Grand Illusion), Fellini, and Antonino to popcorn flicks and romantic comedies. In fact, La Dolce Vita is one of my favorite film of all time as well as La Strada. I also collect Criterion films and recently bought Bergman’s The Seventh Seal , Kurosawa’s Yojimbo and Sanjuro, and Clouzot’s The Wages of Fear. Trust me, if you want to see more reviews of independent and foreign films, I’d be happy to add them. 🙂

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